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BBC MUNDO RADIO
By Richard Littlejohn
Last updated at 1:03 AM on 30th November 2010
The ‘explosive’ diplomatic cables posted on WikiLeaks seem to be little more than a mish-mash of gossip and rumours, stuff you could have read in the newspapers, statements of the bleedin’ obvious and wild speculation about the sex lives of politicians, especially gays.
While other media outlets have focused on the geopolitical fall-out from the 250,000 leaked documents, this column prefers to trade in tittle-tattle.
Here are a handful of ‘Top Secret Not for Foreign Eyes’ (NOFORN) U.S. government communiques that have landed on my desk.
You can judge their accuracy for yourselves:
SECRET/NOFORN
From: Hiram J. Baconburger, CIA Station Chief, London. To: Executive Director, Langley. Dated: 15/11/09. Name redacted.
Subject displays increasingly irrational behaviour, indicative of deep psychological flaws. Reports suggest delusion bordering on paranoia. High incidence of bullying staff, including throwing telephones. Blames America for domestic difficulties and claims to have saved the world. All available evidence points to complete breakdown. See attached YouTube video for further analysis. Though happily married, subject has been forced to deny rumours that he’s gay.
SECRET/NOFORN
From: Hank Cheeseburger III, political attache, Court of St James. To: Deputy Chief of Staff, White House. 12/04/10. Codename: Squeaker.
Subject is a sanctimonious dwarf, installed in anti-democratic political coup. He is accompanied everywhere by a tall blonde woman, believed to be his psychiatric nurse.
Known colloquially as ‘Sally from the Alley’, she has a history of promiscuity, heavy drinking and drug-taking and is given to intemperate outbursts on Twitter. Subject is a definite security risk and probably gay.
SECRET/NOFORN
From: Randolph Delmonico Jnr, CIA Station Chief, Paris. To: Director, State Department. Dated: 9/25/10. Codename: Napoleon.
Subject is a sanctimonious dwarf, accompanied everywhere by attractive actress/model/whatever, formerly the mistress of prominent English rock star.
Napoleon is a classic cheese-eating surrender monkey and puppet of Germans. Probably gay.
SECRET/NOFORN
From: Agent Carlos Burrito, Secret Service, U.S. Embassy, Rome. To: European Director, Pentagon. Name redacted.
The 74-year-old subject continues to indulge in erratic behaviour, is widely rumoured to use prostitutes and is believed to be addicted to prescription drugs to enhance his flagging sexual performance.
Despite his apparent predilection for extremely young women, he is probably gay.
SECRET/NOFORN
From: Wendell Kendall IV, CIA station, London. To: Director, Langley. Dated: 7/18/10. Codename: Lord Fauntleroy.
Once believed to be a Conservative, subject is revealed to be a closet liberal. Pays lip service to Atlantic Alliance while running down the military and selling off aircraft carriers to finance socialistic welfare system. Continues to provide safe haven for terrorists.
Though married to a member of the aristocracy, he attended the all-male Eton College and is therefore probably gay.
SECRET/NOFORN
From: Special Agent Condoleezza Goodbody, attending UN climate change summit, Cancun, Mexico. To: U.S. Energy Secretary. Dated: 11/29/10. Codename: Windy Miller.
Subject observed at close quarters in Jacuzzi, eating lobster. If he continues to pursue present policy of closing coal-fired and nuclear power stations and relying solely on renewables, Britain will run out of electricity within a decade. Recently left his wife for a former lesbian, so is probably gay.
SECRET/NOFORN
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From: Antonio Soprano, U.S. mission in Vatican City. To: Chief of Staff, White House. Dated: 11/30/10. Codename: Pontiff.
Reports of ill-health can be discounted, after subject seen recently performing Mass in public. Former member of Hitler Youth, the subject has never married and is believed to be celibate.
Despite softening his stance on condoms, it is still safe to presume that the Pope is a Catholic.
SECRET/NOFORN
From: Special Agent Joseph McCarthy, CIA station, London. To: Director, Langley. Dated: 11/27/10. Codename: Red Ed.
Puppet of Left-wing labour unions, defeated his elder brother to seize power in bloodless coup. Father was leading Marxist. Subject supports high taxes, big government and is proud to be a socialist. Almost certainly a Communist. Says he ‘forgot’ to sign his son’s birth certificate. Borderline gay.
SECRET/NOFORN
From: Jilly Concarne, European Affairs Specialist, London. To: Controller: FBI Washington. Dated 9/15/10. Codename: Cleggover.
Subject not considered a threat until recently. Favours strong Federal Europe as counterweight to U.S. Unlikely to survive next general election.
Even though he claims to have slept with more than 30 women, he is a Liberal Democrat so if not exclusively gay, almost certainly helps them out when they’re busy.
SECRET/NOFORN
From: Charles J. Moron, special envoy to Court of St James. To: Deputy Director (Protocol), White House. Dated: 11/15/10. Subject: Prince William.
Son of the late Princess Diana and King Charles, subject is tipped as future head of state. Entered military service after university, but his career has been hampered by shortage of helicopters.
Despite an eight-year relationship with a woman called Katie Waite, he appears to have no intention of getting married. Probably gay.
SECRET/NOFORN
From: Deputy Director (Protocol), White House. To: Charles J. Moron. Dated 11/18/10.
You’re fired!
Pudding club
Health Secretary Andrew Lansley says we live in an ‘obesogenic environment’ that makes it difficult for people to lose weight.
He wants restaurants and takeaways to display prominently the number of calories in their meals to help diners make healthy choices.
I wonder if he had in mind the chip shop in Belton, Norfolk, which has just launched a new treat for the festive season: deep-fried Christmas pudding.
Never mind Heston Blumenthal, that’s what I call ‘obesogenic’.
It turns out that Christopher Columbus was Polish, not Italian. Just as well he wasn’t thinking of setting out for the New World today.
Otherwise he would have stopped off in Southampton, immediately found work as a plumber and someone else would have had to discover America.
A single paragraph leapt out of Sue Reid’s brilliant dispatch in Saturday’s Mail about Asian gangs preying on young women.
One of the girls drugged and raped by the men told how they picked her up in a Bentley with a personalised number-plate.
Yet we are also told that the leader of the gang lived on benefits. Since when have welfare benefits stretched to buying Bentleys for rapists?
She's the fool on the till
Yet again we are reminded that nothing is safe on the internet.
It continues to amaze me why people feel the need to post their every mundane thought on the world wide web.
Intimate emails go astray and end up on millions of computers around the world.
Employers now routinely trawl the Facebook pages of potential employees.
Who is going to hire someone who thinks posting pictures of themselves baring their backsides while drinking from a bottle of tequila is a way to behave?
Careers can be ruined by injudicious remarks on Twitter. Electronic incontinence can prove extremely costly.
A bank clerk has just lost a £6,000 severance pay-off because she boasted about it on Facebook.
Kate Furlong, 23, qualified for the payment from RBS when she chose not to relocate from Telford to Birmingham.
Within minutes of receiving the ‘best news ever’ she was celebrating on the internet, writing on her page: ‘WoOOOOooooOoooHoooOoooOoo’.
Later Miss Furlong, who had worked at the bank for three and a half years but would not normally have been eligible for redundancy, gloated: ‘They could have had me out long ago without a penny! More fool them! Ha, ha! Xx!’
More fool her, rather.
An envious colleague grassed her up to her bosses and they immediately stopped the discretionary payment in retaliation.
She now wails: ‘I can’t believe I’ve been so appallingly treated for what essentially amounts to having a chat with my mates outside of work.’
But this wasn’t a private chat, it was out there for anyone with an internet connection to access — provided they have the know-how.
Serves her right. If the U.S. government can’t keep its internal communications secret, a dopey bird from a counting house in Telford doesn’t stand a cat in hell’s chance.
It's doubles all round
Kate Bevan , 21, has given up her job in a chemist’s shop to become a full-time Kate Middleton lookalike.
This could be a lucrative career move, given that both Kates could be around for another 70-odd years.
Actress Jeannette Charles still makes a good living impersonating the Queen and has appeared in numerous TV shows and movies.
Some celebrity doubles have a more limited shelf life.
I can remember bumping into a John Major lookalike in a Soho bar.
It was the day after the Tories lost the 1997 general election and he was drowning his sorrows.
His meal ticket had expired.
These days there’s not a lot of demand for the real John Major — let alone his lookalike.
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