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BBC MUNDO RADIO
Every Monday morning, InsidePulse Movies Czar Scott “Kubryk” Sawitz brings an irreverent and oftentimes hilarious look at pop culture, politics, sports and whatever else comes to mind. And sometimes he writes about movies.
With the World Cup firmly in the rear view mirror, and Americans ceasing to fake enthusiasm for the world’s game 30 seconds after the U.S lost to Ghana, I’m stuck watching Major League Soccer for my weekly fix of proper football since the EPL, et al, isn’t into form just yet. And something’s missing from all this; good over the top celebrations. It’s part of the reason why we love the NFL; there’s nothing like watching a touchdown celebration on Sundays because sometimes you get rewarded with something good. Nothing quite beats a good goal celebration, and there’s a team in Iceland that does it better than anyone else:
But with all that creativity involved, you know what’s missing? Really nutty stuff in celebration, like things that leaves you looking like an amazingly dickish jerk, are things we need in sports to make us smile and laugh at the absurdity of how serious we take it. It’s one thing to be able to do a ballroom dance, but what about something a bit more memorable? In my youth the Brazilian professional leagues had a list of several dozen things that were banned as celebrations. I wish I was kidding when I say this but they had to ban the following celebrations (amongst others):
1. Jumping off the field and finding a payphone, then pretending to make a call. Basically you’re calling someone to brag about scoring a goal.
2. Carrying a spare jersey on the sideline in case you wanted to throw yours into the crowd and stay on the pitch.
While sports celebrations have been reigned in for the most part because of dumb things like “sportsmanship” and “class,” some good stuff does get through every now and again. But in the MLS there’s nothing that screams “American asshole” like Chad Johnson pulling out a sharpie and signing the ball he scored with before throwing it into the crowd. Soccer would really grow in this country, I think, if the professionals celebrated as horribly awesome as their counterparts in other leagues.
That needs to change, if only in the spirit of jingoistic zealousness. Coming the week after The Expendables taught us that action heroes blow stuff up and kill foreigners in the name of all that’s good , we need to ramp up the one area we’ve been lacking: macho jock shenanigans that comprise sports celebrations. It’s not good enough to be a top notch league that feeds our best footballers to foreign leagues anymore; we need to out celebrate them too. There’s something un-American about seeing an MLS team not have at least have one ridiculous celebration per week.
I mean anyone can score a goal when it comes to being a player at that level; it takes a certain type of a-hole to celebrate it without any sort of pretention towards class and dignity. There was once a time when we led the world in obnoxious sports celebrations, however brief that moment was, and it’s one thing I miss about modern soccer. And only in soccer could we get away with ANY of this, so I think Major League Soccer needs some great celebrations to keep up with our peers overseas. Thus, I present:
13. Seppuku – The goal scorer kneels down with an imaginary dagger in his hand. As he cuts across his body he’s eliminating the shame of scoring such an awesome goal and his teammate cuts his head off (and he falls to the ground) to put him out of his misery.
12. The Carlton – Sometimes the old ones are the classics, but the better an athlete an you are usually the more in touch with the rhythm of dance. So I bet Landon Donovan would make this look good:
11. The Fire Hydrant – LT did this in Any Given Sunday, but I think the image of someone marking the goal post as “their turf” like a dog would be both insanely awesome as well as make you the biggest d-bag ever.
10. The Execution – After a score, one guy stands on the sideline and pretends to smoke his last cigarette. His teammates line up 10 yards away and load their weapons, then point their fingers at him and go BANG. He pretends to drop dead from it all via the firing squad, still legal in Utah by the way. Like the goal was so awesome he can’t be allowed to live, ala the cook who made that pork dish in Once Upon a Time in Mexico.
9. The Joust – You need four guys for two piggy back rides. They line up like 10 yards away and act like an old time joust, with one falling off and the other (presumably the goal scorer) raising his hands in victory. I imagine Terrell Owens and Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson already have something like this planned for the upcoming NFL season.
8. The Charlie Brown – The goal scorer lines up like the holder on a field goal try in American Football, someone runs up and acts like they’re going to kick and at the last moment the ball is pulled away and the runner falls down. There is something about the classics that never got old.
7. The Macarena – Nothing says classic like a late 90s dance craze. And a bunch of guys doing the Macarena is totally something that would get on Sportscenter. One of the more amusing things is that there was someone who a couple years ago realized they spent $200 on 15 different CDs that just featured different versions of the Macarena. Like who needs to listen to the Christmas Macarena, right?
6. The Big Stinky Giant-Killing Leg Drop of Doom – If you’re going to do a pro wrestling move, the big looping crappy punch of Hulk Hogan followed by his massive leg drop of doom would be something to behold in a proper football game.
5. The Boondock Saint – Three guys put the goal scorer on his knees and then imitate putting iron to the back of his skull, like his goal was so good that it’s criminal and now he has to be put down like the filthy animal he is for it.
4. The Funky Duckman – One of the best animated shows ever deserves to be on his list. ‘Nuff said, just thrust your pelvis.
3. The Suicide Bomber – It’s a twist on the usual “take your shirt off and scream” celebration, but instead of going nuts you scream something religious and then act like you’re detonating something. You have to follow it up with everyone falling down like they’re dead, to completely sell and/or offend everyone. The goal is so great that the scorer has to sacrifice himself to whatever God he believes in, of course. You can be really noxiously offensive with it by having your teammates dance around the opposing team’s goalkeeper like virgins waiting for the scorer to get into heaven of course.
2. The Fist Pump – You got to pretend to spike your hair up, because the hair has to look good for the ladies yo, and then you pump your first all nice and soft first. You have to get that beat started. Then you readjust your hair, because it can get all messed up, then you pump up the beat so more. To get it going, of course, and then after one final readjustment of the hair you just pump the living snot out of the beat to turn it all the way up.
It’d be just like if the kids from Jersey Shore played soccer or did something to contribute to society other than exist solely as proof of its decay.
1. The Beavis and Butt-Head Experience – There’s something to be said about the most obnoxious dancing ever entering itself into the equation.
It all seems perfectly rational and hilarious to me, but then again, thoughts like these kept me out of the good colleges.
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